A couple of months back I got another email from an online vendor of sex toys asking if I’d like to give one a spin each month and write a review. We did that once. Were I still involved my response would be an easy “sure.” But now that I’m alone the prospect draws a blank.
What sort of sex toy would I review given my current status as a single guy?
Well there are those Fleshlights that you see advertised as the latest and greatest in male masturbation. Feels like the ‘real thing’ I guess. But the real thing has ear lobes, toes and other fun bits that make for a more comprehensive experience.
Like any horny lad I did make a few efforts in my teens. Who knew paper towel rolls aren’t nearly as wide as they look.
I knew other people who were more dedicated. But what that guy got out of sodomizing a melon always escaped me. One of the most cheerfully sexual guys I ever knew was raised on a farm. Prudence led him to abandon a favorite recreation when one of the calves proved unexpectedly reckless with a tooth.
Years ago I remember a sex blogger doing an amusing roundup of faux vaginas. Each week he tested a new model. But hitherto I’ve never thought of myself as a faux vagina kind of guy. Not even a fake buttocks man.
And there are the heads. I recall running across a gay male head that troubled me far more than the female ones. The beard and mustache someone made it look even more eerie.
But who knows maybe Fleshlights - or whatever - will be the next stage of my erotic evolution.
I see there’s been a growth in the Fleshlight business. One comes with a digital readout - ! - that displays your stroke rate. Masturbation can become like driving a racecar (stockcar racing is the most popular sport here in NC).
I can imagine a kinky game in which a guy is required to maintain a certain rate of strokes per minute or will have to stop. Or I guess he could be limited and forbidden to exceed a specified pace. Who would have thought of quantifying it like a science project?
There’s actually quite an industry built up around inorganic sex partners. Men spend substantial sums for adjustable, complaisant mannequins called Real Dolls. These plastic sex partners always struck me as more than a little creepy, thousand of dollars in cost or not. Competing against them was a line called Cyberorgasmatrix. These latter made you feel like inviting the Real Dolls to dinner.
I’ve long been curious about the assorted Aneros prostate massagers and their knockoffs. My interest being mostly in being forced to ejaculate without orgasm. That seemed an inexpressibly submissive experience. Maymay has written of the wonderful orgasm he had while using one during masturbation. While kinkless I’m hardly going to dismiss an opportunity for better orgasms.
At age eighteen I did try shoving a dildo up my ass. It went perhaps an eighth of an inch in. I was inexperienced and ignorant. I didn’t think to lubricate the thing. Nor did I understand as I would the first time I tried it with a real penis that the art was in relaxing. I was much to focused on the gymnastics of trying to get it in to relax. Nor did I appreciate that in real life penises are rarely that big. Even now I’d feel nonplussed by such a formidably endowed man.
Years ago there was a fairly expensive male masturbation device - with real moving parts - unlike anything I see sold nowadays. I think it was called the Accujac. Wonder what became of it.
I see there’s an impressive device for owner’s of electric drills and as these things go it isn’t that expensive:
It thrusts and it rotates! It’s unique dual action reciprocation and optional rotation moves up to 300 revolutions per minute and has a 3” linear thrust.
Behold the amazing Dual Motion, Handheld Sex Machine.
. (The book mixes the story of a few homicidal FLDS maniacs, LDS history and FLDS groups. Not scholarly but not bad.)
